


orange

by quirktwerp



Series: steve [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Extended Metaphors, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, Self-Indulgent, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27977448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quirktwerp/pseuds/quirktwerp
Summary: The march of orange stares back at him. Aclick-clackcollection of coping pills meant to better his time here.
Relationships: Steve Rogers & James "Bucky" Barnes (implied), Steve Rogers/Peggy Carter (previous)
Series: steve [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1071927
Kudos: 7





	orange

He doesn’t know what he hates more: the march of orange that lines his bathroom cabinet or who he’s come to be. Ever since they caught him with a cherry compote of blood on his porcelain white skin, they’ve refused to leave him to his own devices anymore. Logically, he knows this is for the best, but nothing has been working and he’s tired of trying over and over again.

_Where was the Steve Rogers he used to be?_

The man in the mirror looks a touch too sickly and skeletal to truly be the same who went into the ice: matted hair; sunken cheeks; flesh stretch taut against bone from a few too many missed meals. He’s done little else but wallow in the stench of his living quarters and trek to his bathroom cabinet on occasion; perhaps the lack of calories took all the energy from him. He’s not healing the way he once was.

Sometimes he opens that bathroom cabinet, and the march of orange stares back at him. A _click-clack_ collection of coping pills meant to better his time here. They’re doing their best, this he knows; he metabolises stuff quick and he hasn’t exactly been open with his shrink as they want him to be. They say that matters but won’t explain why or how. He knows what each set does— one for nightmares, one for insomnia, one for the “intrusive thoughts” that make him want to see the last of Peggy that he can tangibly have, one for when he feels nothing at all— that, they’ve explained.

They’ve said this array of orange is meant to help but nothing has changed: he remains without appetite or the energy to eat; he either can’t sleep or is plagued with unwavering nightmares, watching Bucky fall into the mountains with an arm out for Steve to reach for but never grasp; he thinks of Peggy often and misses her dreadfully; there’s a pit where his chest once was and he can feel himself caving in.

He knows he should tell them that nothing has helped. They bring him meals because they know he won’t get them himself, but just the smell of them have him clutching the toilet basin as he heaves up his empty stomach. He wonders if the day will come when he’ll gather the courage to tell them how well things aren’t going. Perhaps they already know and are waiting for him to make the first move— that’s something else they’ve said. His recovery is _his_ recovery; they can’t force him to help himself.

_Where is the Steve Rogers he used to be?_

**Author's Note:**

> reader,  
> thank you taking the time to read this. for those returning from reading _[red](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12848658)_ , thank you for your patience. i know it took me forever to post the next installment of this self-indulgent series.
> 
> going to start working on a draft for the next colour in our whump rainbow, so keep an eye out for _yellow_ in the future.
> 
> thanks again,  
> moose.


End file.
